i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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