he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
