Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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smell my finger.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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