I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
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Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
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Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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