If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize