Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
