nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
