I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
