proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
