bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
