I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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