Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
