There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
be right there i have to get my cape
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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