im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
