Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
