Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
