I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
