i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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