I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
