I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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