I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
