im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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