I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
