I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
