Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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