I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
