Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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