I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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