Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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