We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
