My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
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she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
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After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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