i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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