I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
