I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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