cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
