Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
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Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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