u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
