Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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