I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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