i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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