A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
