did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
