I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
