I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
