i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
