So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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