sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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