a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
