I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
