apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
