he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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