No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
