I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
