he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Randomize
