I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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